HOPE FOR TRUE HEALING

written by Juliana Bennett, LCSW
Living Well Counseling, Pocahontas Office

Trauma, isn’t it mean?
The way it causes us to long to be seen

It held me close,
Chains of fear and pain
Freedom, something I thought I’d never gain

Wise for your age,
That’s what they all say
They don’t know
Evil things made me this way

Fear was the lens I saw everything through
Fear of me, fear of you
Fear shields the truth

The fear had a place at one time,
It kept me safe, or so it seemed
This isn’t how God meant it to be

I chalked it up to humility
Insecurity and shame
Hate for myself
Others were to blame

It’s not humble to remain in fear
There is a reason God placed me here
He sees beauty in pain
Now I see the same

I look in the mirror and there is beauty
It’s like I’m seeing for the first time
Beauty in me, beauty in you

The truth is, God knows all we’ve been through
He’s been there too
He breaks the chains; He calls us by name

Fear and pain
They have no place

~by Julianna Bennett

Those who know me most likely either know or expect that for me life hasn’t been an easy road. At a young age, these circumstances and God’s hand in my life directed me to pursue a career in serving others through mental health. I was always sure that I wanted to help others in a way that I had always needed. It took me a couple of years into my career to realize that there was healing still needing to be done in my own life.

Trauma had become a personality trait for me, but that wasn’t God’s design. Without realizing it, I had adopted fear, pain, insecurity, shame, isolation and other trauma related symptoms as a part of myself. I thought that this was just how I would be, considering what I had experienced. Over time, it started to wear on me. My life had changed. I was no longer in danger but still I lacked the feeling of safety. My mind was unsafe, most of all.

I was watering flowers all around me while the ones inside me were wilted and dead. It was so easy for me to see the beauty in others, but I saw myself through a different lens. You see, sometimes when we experience significantly awful events, they become the filter for our lives. We see ourselves, others and the world through this template. There were changes needing to be made within me, no longer around me.

When my therapist first asked me how I felt about myself, it brought me to tears, which was something very rare for me at that time. I was so numb that I didn’t even realize I was in pain. Now, he asks me that and I smile. Believe me when I say that I never thought that was possible. Even as a therapist, I didn’t believe that I could change. Honestly, I didn’t know that was what I needed. I had accepted that version of my mind.

I didn’t realize how hurt I was until I experienced healing.

Now, I look in the mirror and I think I’m beautiful. Not in an arrogant way, in an I’m meeting this person for the first-time kind of way. That’s the way everything in my life seems. All of the people and places, everything is more beautiful than before. If I hadn’t experienced healing, I may have never known there was more.

It took me a while to find the right fit. Third times the charm they say, that was the case for me with finding a therapist. I think this contributed to my doubt. I thought I just must be stuck this way. When I found a therapist who used EMDR, that’s when things started to change. I witnessed true healing in my brain.

If you have had a similar experience, don’t give up. The right fit and right method is out there. There is hope for healing. My own experience pushed me to be trained in EMDR. The healing I’ve witnessed in my own clients during my short time practicing with this has been miraculous.

Most of all, know you are not alone and you are loved!

If you need help, reach out!